Written by: Jeremy Baumhower
Now that we know Ebola has visited Ohio– Here’s a list of 20 things NOT to do.
1) Go to the grocery store to purchase milk, eggs and bread. This is not the same as a ‘chance of snow’– your French Toast can wait.
2) Download and play the app called Plague Inc.
3) Watch the movie Outbreak, World War Z or the TV show The Walking Dead
4) Move your family into the bomb bunker you built during the Cold War. Panic Rooms are fine.
5) Call the Rite Aid to see if they have the ‘Ebola shot’. They don’t, call Walgreens.
6) Re-Post every Ebola story you see on Facebook, especially ones from websites like EmpireNews. (This one is pre-approved, go ahead and re-post it.)
7) Wrap your children in bubble wrap and send them to school. Kids are mean and likely to pop their bubbles. Aluminum foil will be just as effective.
8) Host ‘Ebola parties’ for your toddlers to make sure they all get it once.
9) Blame the Mayor D Michael Collins- We already know he is responsible for Bad Winter, the Water Crisis and Jeep moving. Let’s cut him some slack.
10) Allow your kid to participate in a ‘Walking School Bus’- just because it’s lame.
11) Tell the East Side.
12) Name your newborn baby “Ebola”– even if her middle name was suppose to be Grace. ‘Enterovirus 68 Grace’ is way prettier.
13) Call 911 when your teething baby has a slight fever. Although you may no longer recognizes the precious gift from God- I am fairly certain it’s not Ebola.
14) Start wearing a surgical mask 24/7. I know Michael Jackson looked really cool when he did, but you didn’t write PYT.
15) Ask the Gas Station Clerks or Bank Tellers “If they have heard about Ebola was in Ohio?”. Trust me, they have. The guy in front of you asked the same question
16) Get addicted to watching Cable News Networks all day. This is what they want you to do. This is CNN.
17) Believing the rantings of your crazy relative. You openly admitted this relative was “batshit crazy” before this took place– trust me… they still are. If you throw enough crazy out there, eventually something might stick.
18) Allow your children to build Ebola-themed towns in the game Minecraft. Let’s not pass the craziness onto the kids– fears of tornadoes and failing the OAA is enough pressure for your third grader.
19) Buy an Ebola-themed emergency kit. If they do exist, it’s probably a scam. You’re better investing your money with the nice Nigerian man who randomly emailed you.
20) Be afraid to hug and kiss our loved ones. If Ebola does end the human race, don’t let kill our humanity.