Written by: Jeremy Baumhower
The world is currently accepting applications for the position of Father.
You must own attire that can be unceremoniously decorated with baby created bodily fluids.
You can not be afraid to dress and brush the hair of an American Girl doll.
You must be able to cook hot dogs, macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets, every day for years. Ability to watch others dip anything in ketchup is a plus.
You must be good at designing Pine Wood Derby cars so that people believe your son built them.
You must be eager to attend countless talent shows, with participants having more enthusiasm than talent.
You must have a fine palate for such tastes as imaginary tea and cookies, or anything created in plastic kitchens.
You must have the patience to build various luxurious items that a woman named Barbie may own. The ability to apply tiny stickers under the pressure of a tiny boss is a plus.
You must be willing to look under beds and closets for monsters. Be able to kill bugs and spiders upon demand.
You must on occasion believe that floors are temporarily filled with flowing hot lava and couch cushions are the only thing keeping you alive and safe.
You must be able to medically treat boo-boos, bumps and bruises; even if they can not be detected by the human eye.
You must speak and comprehend the following languages; Baby, Toddler, Tween, Attitude, More Attitude, Heartbreak and Moron. Being able to read body language and use of emoticons are a plus.
You must read to your child every night for 30 minutes, in hopes that one day they will start reading to you.
You must be able to tone down your “awesome sauce” in the event your child has company.
You must be good at being found and bad at finding.
You must eventually accept the remote possibility that a boy may text.
You must know what to say when a girl says ‘no’.
You must know how to properly hug, where the other participant never wants you to let go.
You must not be afraid to cry nor to say ‘I love you’.
You must be able to accept any version of your child, including their sexual orientation..
You must be a good example of someone you wish your child to become or to one day marry.
You must teach love over hate, acceptance over intolerance, compassion and understanding; no matter the views you were raised with and surrounded by. You must do better than your parents, even if that seems impossible.
You must never quit, nor walk away. You must never give up on your child.
There are no days off, no pay raises and very few vacations. You will be paid in kisses within months of starting, including slobbering to ones later on a cheek. If you can accept this payment arrangement, in leu of pension; you will receive will be a lifetime full of happiness, adoration and unwavering, unapologetic love.
If you were not deterred by any of the above mentioned items, compensation package and you meet these minimal requirements, then you are qualified and ready to be a Dad.
The application form is being held in the hands of someone you may love today or sometime in the future. Future employers may want to start a family with you.
Good Luck to all future applicants.