Written by Jeremy Baumhower
The thing I hate about Facebook and social media sites is that I could share the cure to cancer or post the most beautiful never-before-seen-by-human-eyes photo on Instagram and only get 50 “likes”… but a mediocre-looking girl who shares a selfie with hashtag #BadHairDay receives 250+ “likes” within 5 minutes.
I imagine these pictures are often accompanied with a fair amount of “pokes”, “Friend requests” and “Follows”. I’ll admit it, I am jealous. This is my genetically imposed glass ceiling.
As a columnist and social media commentator; I write hard for my “likes”, “shares” and “follows”. It took me nearly 35 years to discover my written voice, which was not a easy process. The internalizing of my words cost me a marriage of 10 years and reduced the time I spend with my three children by half. I have paid a price by drowning on my words.
I don’t know whom to blame more for this unbalance in the internet’s universe; the creepy male brain that hits the “like” button for every cute girl’s selfie that appears on the computer monitor or the passive-attention-seeking-offender who can make her Facebook Notification Center explode by simply posting a picture of her recent pedicure. God help Facebook the day she goes swimsuit shopping, posting various pictures of her wearing bikinis… just to get her “friend”’s opinion of which one she should buy for the upcoming Summer season. It’s only in this crazy scenario, that your creepy male friends fashion advice is sought and respected. Want to see genius? Read the comments below pictures like these.
One of my dreams in this world is to write a reoccurring post that would be a list of names and pictures of people who fall under the umbrella of “excessively liked” or “Most Creepy Stalker Comments”.
This fantasy post would be nothing more than naming names of the guilty parties, who’s only crime is having too many damn ‘likes’ and ‘comments’ on the random pics and posts they share with social media.
Quick Facebook Idea: Create a new button option to display on a person’s profile page, that shows “Pokes” received today, this year and to date.
The accused all seem to have the perfect combination of insecurity, the ability to take a quality selfie, good genetics or on occasion possess a touch of the slutty.
I would like to eventually work in graphs and charts of comparison posts to further demonstrate the disparity between mediocre hotties and quality writing. Only the writers/narcissists would see the humor.
Ultimately, I blame my parents for not possessing a better looking gene pool when they decided to procreate some 38 years ago. It would also help if I knew how to take a quality selfie or had the skill set of smiling on demand.
This column wasn’t intended to dissuade those “guilty” parties from posting their selfies and or pictures of their hot friends, god no. Without your touch of insecurity, my Facebook news feed would be overwhelmed with “my kid’s a genius” posts, weather complaints, Candy Crush updates and or more raving assholes like myself… and we all don’t want that.
So keep ’em coming ladies… because there will never be a shortage of creepy men wanting to like your picture.
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You can see Jeremy Baumhower’s words every week by picking up a copy of the Toledo Free Press. You can reach him directly by email at firstname.lastname@example.org